Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Terra Incognita beckons, could this be my last blog?

I was going to entitle this blog “the suicide season” but that is too scary or “suicide postponed” which is more accurate, but I did not want people panicking and overreacting.

Anyway whilst driving into town on a necessary errand, it occurred to me whilst thinking deep suicidal thoughts that it can’t be that bad else I wouldn’t be paying attention to the road and my safety would I I seem to have far too much hold on life to be reckless on the road:)

Well it may be the suicide season, but I think I still have too many immediate things to do so I will postpone the crisis until June, in a Micawberesque hope that something will turn up (it won’t, things never do, interjects the perpetual pessimist)

So what brings all this on then?

Well I note a general tone in my blogs of dissatisfaction with life. Winter is always a miserable time for me, more so now when I am sitting around in my cold flat worrying about the heating bills.

My decision to study at Birmingham is one of the principal causes for my unsettled state beyond the season itself, in that up to now I have had the structure of a conventional course to take me away from my flat and give me some routine. Things are not turning out with distance learning, it is not that I can’t cope or am behind in any way, I just don’t like it.

I am determined to continue though, because the second of my worries would not be a worry if I planned to abandon my studies, and that is my concern over how I will pay for them next year. (Hence the postponement of any suicidal plans until I am certain I will not be able to)

And what else? I am disappointed that no-one is buying my video from the NAS. I am disappointed because it is clear that a coherent and rational lecture is not what the autism market wants, I am badly positioned.

I would be better off as another autism “whore”. Dancing to my masters tune at some curebie conference. Do you think they would take my teeth out too, like a dancing bear so they could be sure I wouldn’t bite?

The upshot of this despair is that you might be seeing more of me on youtube instead showing that I can play the flute and act the fool. A few brief hints of Terra Incognita, that project that is pointless my continuing with as there is no market for it.

So is this my last blog?

Probably not, I know myself better than that, and although I am somewhat sick of the autism hub at the moment, things may change.

I pagliaci.

13 comments:

Kristina Chew said...

mutatis mutandis----will keep checking in.

Anonymous said...

Larry,
From someone who does care about you, but doesn't want to offend you.
Would you please consider going to the doctors and getting some antidepressants.
Unless you're already on them, in which case I would advise changing them.
Not those horrible SSRI's that make people worse.
The old style Dothiepin, now called
(Dosulepin).

BTW I'm not trying to dismiss the reasons why you're so depressed.
I'm just saying, extrinsic or intrinsic depression. When you get to a point when you think or talk about suicide, even if you aren't really 'serious', (only you know how you really feel), I think you could do with a 'pick me up' to take the edge off.

Anonymous said...

i hope you won't do anything desperate and i don't think God would let you. i emailed you to buy your video directly, but got no answer. i guess i will try the NAS website.

laurentius rex said...

Well it seems my mailbox for the DVD has been deleted, I have put up a new link to a working address.

Anyway it is better people get them off the NAS

Sorry if I have alarmed anyone not my intention, just not feeling good today, needed to say so.

Scruffythecat said...

Hi Larry,

Well I know you enough I think to know that you know that this worrying and depression will pass eventually... I think I am getting more used to posting to your blog although it is a strange medium for me...

I'm not sure what to tell you about the UNi thing,,, but I don't think you have come this far for nothing,,, perhaps it seems that way but again you must look where you have come from and where you have gotten to now..
Stay well my friend..
V.

Fore Sam said...

I know what you mean about the Autism Hub, all those people ranting against helping autistic children. It must be depressing being associated with all that child hate.

laurentius rex said...

Fore Sam misses the point.

I drive a 1973 Land Rover, and that needs a lot of regular fixing to keep it going, however to cure the problem would be to trade it in for a newer model, which is something else.

I don't just leave my landie as is and do nothing it is a work in progress and so are we all on the autistic spectrum progressing throughout life. Ameliorating the situation, creating better social and educational circumstances, giving children the opportunity to learn in appropriate ways in appropriate environments is not the same as drugging them into some malleable piece of putty in the name of a quack cure, any quack cure.

Autism, Dyslexia, all the other Dyses and isms did not rob my parents of something I was not ever going to be.

If that money that Autism Speaks wastes on advertisements were applied instead to providing properly qualified teaching assistants in schools it would be better, or even if it were applied to training teachers and service providers in an unbiased and non ideological framework about autism then it would be an advantage.

Where does their money go, certainly not to help people like me, who is struggling to pay for that education that will qualify me to help others on the autistic spectrum in a professional capacity.

Fore Sam said...

"giving children the opportunity to learn in appropriate ways in appropriate environments is not the same as drugging them into some malleable piece of putty in the name of a quack cure, any quack cure."
I gave my son an opportunity to learn how to swing a golf club by swinging it for him thousands of times with my hands over his. After a year of chelation, he swung it himself for the first time at age 9. My other two kids got it right after just a few swings when they were one year old. Teaching can not cure mercury poisoning.
For someone who claims to want to help kids, I don't understand why you wish to stay blind to new information that wasn't avasilable to help you when you were young.
Removing poison isn't drugging anyone into any state, it's taking those bad drugs out of them that sets their brains free.

concerned about you said...

Larry,
Are you feeling any happier today?

laurentius rex said...

Bin making enquiries about Credit Unions.

Anonymous said...

Hope you get what you need.

BTW, are your photographs still availabe to buy from your site?

mike stanton said...

Larry,
this could be your last blog, but then I would have to blog about your last blog and you could never give me the last word, could you?

laurentius rex said...

Yes it is possible to buy photographs from me, however I have had some trouble with the email link on my photo pages due to spambots harvesting it so now you have to read the address off the image file.

www.larry-arnold.com is out of action for the time being so you have to go to www.larry-arnold.info