I was going to entitle this blog “the suicide season” but that is too scary or “suicide postponed” which is more accurate, but I did not want people panicking and overreacting.
Anyway whilst driving into town on a necessary errand, it occurred to me whilst thinking deep suicidal thoughts that it can’t be that bad else I wouldn’t be paying attention to the road and my safety would I I seem to have far too much hold on life to be reckless on the road:)
Well it may be the suicide season, but I think I still have too many immediate things to do so I will postpone the crisis until June, in a Micawberesque hope that something will turn up (it won’t, things never do, interjects the perpetual pessimist)
So what brings all this on then?
Well I note a general tone in my blogs of dissatisfaction with life. Winter is always a miserable time for me, more so now when I am sitting around in my cold flat worrying about the heating bills.
My decision to study at Birmingham is one of the principal causes for my unsettled state beyond the season itself, in that up to now I have had the structure of a conventional course to take me away from my flat and give me some routine. Things are not turning out with distance learning, it is not that I can’t cope or am behind in any way, I just don’t like it.
I am determined to continue though, because the second of my worries would not be a worry if I planned to abandon my studies, and that is my concern over how I will pay for them next year. (Hence the postponement of any suicidal plans until I am certain I will not be able to)
And what else? I am disappointed that no-one is buying my video from the NAS. I am disappointed because it is clear that a coherent and rational lecture is not what the autism market wants, I am badly positioned.
I would be better off as another autism “whore”. Dancing to my masters tune at some curebie conference. Do you think they would take my teeth out too, like a dancing bear so they could be sure I wouldn’t bite?
The upshot of this despair is that you might be seeing more of me on youtube instead showing that I can play the flute and act the fool. A few brief hints of Terra Incognita, that project that is pointless my continuing with as there is no market for it.
So is this my last blog?
Probably not, I know myself better than that, and although I am somewhat sick of the autism hub at the moment, things may change.