Tuesday, March 27, 2007
For he has not been alltogether well for some time, though a lot of that is down to stress.
However now, and since returning from the Birmingham Autism study weekend it seems he has brought back more than he bargained for and is labouring under the mother of all sore throats, convinced as he has never been convinced, since the last time he were so belaboured (and not at all conservative about it) that he is not long for this world. Not that he thought he were that long for it before and now is even less long, clocks going forward notwithstanding.
So there you have it, he is idling away and in a way at least, (or not so long) enforced into restation for restitutions sake. (forced to rest as lesser mortals and those who are not George Dubya would have it)
So that is why I have not blogged or blagged and so have sagged, the sagacity and sargassoty thereof hereunto subscribed.
In other words, practically everything will have to wait until I throw this off, then perhaps I can go back to being even less long for this world, the interval having passed away as surely as a ship of fools in the night and fog of dreary existence.
Friday, March 16, 2007
I feel the need to keep you all informed as to where I am at.
I am still bearing an enormous amount of stress which is fighting against my mind to shut down my body. Still waiting to see the shrink and in the meantime have required a referral back to the neurologist as certain symptoms that were not apparent on the last tests have worsened in the meantime. The fight with my GP's the length of time I have had to wait for appointments and then the length of time I have to wait for the hospital does not help. I am due to see the shrink in April sometime (date unknown) and the neurologist in May, in the meantime I will be having an operation at some unspecified time in April complicating matters.
Through all of that I owe to everybody to complete my current terms work at Uni, which I am getting on with now, and complete next terms to graduate at the end of this year.
I have to accept now, financially there is no next year to complete an MeD it cannot be done and I have to gracefully accept that for the time being I will leave with a PGCertspED
I have great hopes of going on to a PhD and right now in the midst of all my stresses I am discussing this with all and sundry even having some of my ideas critically challenged before I start.
My worry is that I might still fall foul of the no first degree tick box formality, which is why I need to get the support first so that whoever looks at this points out that I can be trusted to have the capability.
I have also for my sins started an adult teaching course, which is about as NT as you can get, and is stressing me with group work and work in pairs. It is like jumping through a hoop of fire for me, that it seems I have to go through these kinds of gauntlets to get the formal qualifications that then allow me do and design things in an autistic friendly way or to teach others why what I have been taught is not universal.
I hope I do not collapse before I get to my objectives and that in September I have a clearer road ahead of me than the one I see now tangled with briars.
I need to be superhuman to overcome the anxiety with no damage to me, but I am not. My voice is hoarse from yelling at the phone this morning trying to get through to the hospital which requires you to do things in a most autistic unfriendly way.
You see I have a mission, I have always had a mission which drives me. I believe I can, given the right tools, the right accesses take on the things that researchers mostly refuse because they are not easy, and don't get your name in academic lights in the same way that the more orthodox but essentially empty cognitive or genetic research gets you because it is still "sexy"
I want my research to do something for Autism, to alter the way it is thought about in the professions who have to deal with it.
Above as an autistic it is my duty to do that, to show that we are central to this whole process. The processes of science and medicine which created us have turned us into the Frankenstein Monster who wants a piece of the action.
I just hope I can survive it all and don't end up fleeing from the peasants to end my life on a lonely iceberg.
Saturday, March 03, 2007
Thursday, March 01, 2007
Hast not thou made an hedge about him, and about his house,For far from the beaten track in my autistic offroad I have taken the fork that leads to the thicket and so thickly embedded am I that there is no wood save only trees.
and about all that he hath on every side? thou hast blessed
the work of his hands, and his substance is increased in the
But put forth thine hand now, and touch all that he hath, and
he will curse thee to thy face.
Hedged against the hordes of Hell
I would to well, not to tell.
To tear out my traitor tongue.
My hands I ought to mangle.
I should never wrangle
Nor tackle with the Leviathan of legislation
Source and tributory of tribulation.
They twist my words to lies.
They lay down when it is not done
What I would really have for all
And not for I alone.
Behind my back, the attack
The talking, smirking
"What is wrong with him, that he should protest so loud."
"Hey you get offa my cloud"
With clouded judgements, muffled minds
Enfogged in self attachment
Never witness to the far sight of the unsightly
Rightly encumbered only in what they clothe themselves.
To hell if you are naked, freezing in there scorn
They would rather that you had never been born
Ignore us all, build up that wall,
I should never walk that tall
That my head is taken off above the parapet.
Well will I ever see my way through to the shining city on the hill?
If you want to help, follow the link and order your DVD's of "whichever way" off the NAS and give them to your librarie, otherwise there is no demand and it will never be repeated.
No-one wants a post modernist autist intertextual intellectual