Saturday, April 10, 2010

I've seen things....



"I don't know why he saved my life. Maybe in those last moments he loved life more than he ever had before. Not just his life - anybody's life; my life. All he'd wanted were the same answers the rest of us want. Where did I come from? Where am I going? How long have I got? All I could do was sit there and watch him die."

Well when faced with uncertain times there is a phrase that carries one through, and that is to live for the day, but what if or when the day does not justify living for? What then?

Unlike Roy Batty, I do not know the number of my days, but I sometimes count them short.

Whatever? Only I have control over the big E button, and when the time comes to press that, no amount of urging by others not to do it, will make any difference because my time will have come.

When all that is valuable in life to you seems threatened, the big E button starts flashing temptingly with it's "push me" signs, "you know you want to"

It's the shadow I walk with, the counterpart to burning brightly.

It's not that I do not feel, it is that I feel too much, the highs are highs, and the lows are abysmal.

Oh well - Time to make myself something to eat - well that is an improvement at least.

I'll tell you this much, whenever you make your life as public as this on the internet you can guarantee there will be as many urging you to push the button as not to. That is the way it is :)

I needed to say that.

8 comments:

Socrates said...

I would imagine George Orwell had misgivings about the path he chose at times.

There's a job to be done.

You know as well as me, Evil walks among us: s/he's very polite, well educated, reasonable, diplomatic, cultured and never screams kutklappen! at times of high anxiety.

The author said...

http://www.independent.co.uk/arts-entertainment/books/features/banned-books-you-could-be-jailed-for-reading-1876200.html?action=Popup&ino=9

George Orwell has been a dirty word on the autism hub before, the last episode of backstabbing I was involved in was over Animal Farm.

Socrates said...

I've just been reading some things you wrote from a couple of years ago...

I seem to have come to the same conclusions independently.

Interesting.

Lyn said...

Why wasn't blade runner about Roy Batty? He was the coolest character in the whole movie. Way cooler than the main character. Man, I hate when movies and books have the wrong main character.

The author said...

There is a subtle sub text to the movie not seen by everyone, that Deckard is himself probably a replicant.

Lili Marlene said...

It's no coincidence that one of the most amazing replicant characters in that movie was acted by an autist. There aren't many movies in which I feel I have anything in common with a number of the characters. Blade Runner is one of those rare flicks. One of our kids also loves that movie.

Cheer up, Mr Author!

Lyn said...

Rutger Hauer (Sp) Is autistic?
This I did not know. The best part in that whole movie was that scene with him. He was completely bad ass. Loving his girlfriend, driving nails into his hand. Making friends with doves. He was JUST SO COOL.

Lili Marlene said...

Not, Rutger, Daryl Hannah. A pair of hotties, for sure.

Apparently Hannah's folks were advised to put her in an institution when she was a kid. Its a good thing they didn't.