Sunday, November 23, 2008

Not a happy bunny tonight.

Well you would think having to abandon my home because of a fire was bad enough.

Well it is not the worst that could happen, no indeed, something worse has happened.

I was getting over it, ready to move back in next week, but I have just received a very disconcerting email.

Trivial for some, but not to me, because my research and hope of making something of myself academically has been the main thing that has been sustaining me through this current bad patch.

Well not any more because Research Autism has turned down my funding application, and frankly I do not see how I can continue without any funding at all.

I guess I ought not to say what I think of them at this current time, anger is never a good basis for a sensible post, but I will have a score to settle, that is for certain, how I go about it with common sense is another matter.

Well I do obsess a little about the significance of dates and numbers, and this is coming up to the tenth anniversary of my most determined desire to kill myself.

I wish I had, because all that the intervening ten years has held out to me is an empty promise.

Terra Incognita, the unknown land, that far country from whose bourne no traveller returns. Well the bourne beckons, and December 25th will be decision day, at least I am staying that long in this world, but really, I am not sure I want to be here next year, because I don't think I am going anywhere but a life of poverty and underachievment.

Did I survive for this? who knows what is written, but running up the down escalator is my progress, not otherwise.

Good job I am not drunk isn't it, but I still do have things to complete never mind how I feel tonight, and perhaps it is that determination that is the only thing that will keep me going.

Gawd, what a whinger, shoot me now eh :)


Kae Verens said...

I'm sorry for your bad luck. I don't think you should give up, though.

I gave up trying to kill myself a long time ago. I think one line of reasoning was something like:
1. life sucks. it can't get any worse.
2. therefore, it can only get better.

Another one was:
1. sometimes, interesting things happen.
2. if I'm dead, I can't experience them.

As you see, there's nothing in it about other people. When I was going through my bad patch, people would give out to me, calling suicide "selfish". Well, yes, it is, but so what? /Everything/ is selfish to some degree or other.
I think you can ignore people who try to reason emotionally that you should live.
Logically, though, there is no reason to die.

David N. Andrews MEd (Distinction) said...

I don't envy you, Larry, and I speak as one for whom the necessary support doesn't come easy (culture, watch your fucking arse... I'm after you!).

I do, however, wish for good somethings for you ... I just wish I knew what good somethings to wish for you :/

I also wish I could do more than just wish.

Socrates said...

I can relate to what you're saying in some detail...

I don't have an easy answer.

Although 'underachieving' from your own perspective may be a valid point; in absolute terms, getting accepted on a PhD program without a bachelors could easily be considered 'overachieving' ...

Anonymous said...

Anonymous said...

I don't know what to say, but in the past your perserverence has been an inspiration for me, you have gotten a lot done despite these setbacks.

I agree that in general things aren't progressing as well as they could for people helping other people, but I have no insight as to what the fix is.

Hope this time of trial passes without too much more grief for you.

Sharon said...

Larry, you're no whinger. You have s lot to cope with recently (as I have just found out while glancing through a huge pile of emails.)

I'm sorry to hear about the fire and your having to leave your home for a time. I'm terribly sorry to hear about the funding problem. Of course you are angry and with every right to be so.

Hang on in there. I hope some good times come to you soon.

laurentius rex said...

Well at least I will be back in my own flat tomorrow, though feeling a lot less secure.

If I fail to secure my PhD (and Heaven knows how I can succeed now, beyond this year where come what may I have to pay the fees) it will not be for lack of any academic ability, it will be the class system and heirarchies protecting there own from the outsider, the one who dares to take a different approach to autism.

Well when ones back is against the wall, one pulls no punches.

If I never get to be Dr Arnold, perhaps I shall get to be Dr Phibes ( instead, now that would be some movie, devising a suitable poetic death for each of the autism establishment :)

Socrates said...

Nothing in this world can take the place of persistence

Talent will not; nothing is more common than unsuccessful men with talent

Genius will not; unrewarded genius is almost a proverb

Education will not; the world is full of educated derelicts

Persistence and determination alone are omnipotent...

laurentius rex said...

Well at least I am back in Terra Firma, my pied a terre.

You know I had a totally wierd encounter with the housing officer who had never seen a coal fireplace and did not believe they still existed in any of the housing stock, quel atavism.

Well this much I know, if I am to destroy myself I should at least do it in style, off to my personal Valhalla, with the sword of rhetoric in my hand, because I am not taking any prisoners with regard to Academia.

I shall continue to say what I please and what the hell, what else can they do to me?

Nelson Muntz said...

"Research Autism has turned down my funding application, and frankly I do not see how I can continue without any funding at all."

So, how do you say, "What goes around, comes around" in Latin?

laurentius rex said...

Latin I should leave to Kristina Chew, but "Id quot circumiret, circumveniat" would be a good essay at it, though I would prefer quid pro quo, though I shall never be quids in with this status quo.

Damn it I am forced to postpone a poetic end, because I forgot that I have a project to complete, which if I did not do so, would stuff up someone else's degree and that would not do.

I guess in any case if I were to decease before October next year, the Uni would claim my outstanding fees from my estate.

I still don't see myself at the end of the Mayan long count, sporting a doctorate, I just do not think it is written.

Maybe I should have a plan B after all.

Kae Verens said...

> I guess in any case if I were to decease before October next year, the Uni would claim my outstanding fees from my estate.

That should be a "/not/ over my dead body!" case.

Socrates is right. Just because the easy route has become blocked does not mean you should give up. There is probably a longer route, which could be more interesting in ways.

In fact - I sometimes wonder about this. I am 32 years old, and am now at about the same educated stage as I would be if I had followed a straight line through college and left at 24 or so (based on experience training 24-year-old college-leavers at my job).
It has taken me longer as I took a different route, with more infrequent courses, based around the need to earn a living.
However, I wonder if I would have been the same person if I'd gone the academic route? I probably would not have the same friends, I would not have met my wife or had my two kids (or at least, the wife and kids I might have would be different people).
I would not turn back and take the straight academic route now.

I guess it just goes to show that no matter the route, the end goal is the same - personal satisfaction and happiness. I'm not quite happy yet (probably never will be), but I'm satisfied with how my life is turning out.
But, you will never reach that state if you just stop. You need to find another route - perhaps just a little off the way, perhaps a long detour.

shiva said...

Oh shit, that isn't good. Seems like this is being a bad winter for a lot of friends and comrades in the UK disability "scene"... :(

I for one think you should stay alive, and i know for a fact that there are a whole lot of other people who think likewise.

There is something happening next week that may inspire you and/or give you something constructive(ly destructive) to do with your anger - i'll give you a link to it on Facebook, since i'm not totally sure how public it is...

Hope things get better for you. Been meaning to get in touch, but got a lot on - will email you soon...

Aspiebird said...

Sorry to hear that too many things feel wrong in your life now LR

What about Autscape without you??
That would be strange...

I hate December as well, can you still enjoy listening to music?

Sometimes all you can do is sit back in a corner, just to let time pass away. The dark clouds may leave and there will be new daylight...if you let the light be there...

If you kill yourself please make sure you let us know in time before doing so, so we can say goodbye

Maddy said...

I'm really sorry to hear that your funding application was turned down, I can only imagine what a terrible blow that must be.

I'd say something trite about one door closing but that's little solace I'm afraid.

I'm sorry you've reached such a low point. I think I'd stick to angry as that fighting spirit may drag you forward.
BEst wishes

Anonymous said...

Hope you're feeling a little better by now!